Divorce

Well it is officially over.  I signed my last paper, transferred my last check.  One year later, to the day, it is officially over.  We are divorced. 

One year ago this past Saturday I said goodbye to my employer of over six years and it was the hardest thing I ever done.  And now, as I signed my final financial documents, I no longer have any legal ties to the organization.  I didn't think these final signatures would cause so many emotions to fill inside my body.  Six years and it was all done with the stroke of the pen in my financial planner's office.  Divorced. 

I have never been married and my longest relationship was two years when I was in college, so I have no idea what a divorce is like or the tole it takes on a person and a relationship.  But after this I think I might have a better idea.  While so many of my friends were off falling in love with their spouses, I was falling in love with my job.  The ways it made me feel loved, empowered and cared about.  Of course there were days were it frustrated me and made me want to give up on it, but at the end of the day it filled my heart with bliss, that is until it didn't.  I wanted more, and it wasn't ready to give that to me and instead it started taking more from me.  My energy, my passion, my drive, my stomach lining - more of it was being taken and not replaced.  This was starting to hurt. 

And then came the phone call - it was over.  I had been replaced and wasn't willing to move into the role that wanted me in.  I wanted to grow and they just wanted me to sit sill and I wasn't willing to do that.  After six weeks of transition and planning, the end was beginning - lots of paperwork, medical plans, moving plans, and therapy sessions.  Finally my last day came, my last day in my home - my home where I met so many amazing people who quickly turned in my family.  From Alaskans to Iowans, from the young and the old - so many faces.  So much passion and drive for one mission.  I spent that last day alone in my office and quietly packed up my laptop and locked up one last time.  It was over.

That night was a blur.  Thanks to my friend Eric it was not spent alone, but beside a great friend as we spent an amazing night venturing through Illionis, Wisconsin, and Iowa.  That night was one of my favorites, but the morning after, the hangover of everything sank in.  I was unemployed and moving into my parents' basement.  Just like any other divorce, I wasn't sure what life would be like on my own, but I had to hold onto the belief that this would work out.  Slowly I picked myself up that morning and started working on my hangover and getting my new life started.  Piece by piece. 
And now, well now it is a year later.  I found a new work relationship that I am still working on and seeing how it fits into my life.  I have started to figure out what I want in my work-life and what I don't want.  I am still afraid to fall in love with my work again, afraid of getting hurt or disappointing someone else.  But I am trying to believe, trying to believe that there is life after love.  Life after divorce.