I cautiously put my new kicks on as I got dressed for work. I looked at them in the mirror still unsure about my decision. I like them...I think. I made my way down the hall at the Foundation, and received my first positive comment on them. As I mentioned, me not wearing a black or grey shoe is a pretty big deal around here. Based on the positive feedback I decided to wear the shoes to an event outside of work. Again, received some positive feedback. But I still wasn't sure. Not everyone said anything about my new shoe choice. Did they think it was a bad idea?
When it comes confidence I am always amazed at my ability to question everything. Positive feedback goes in one ear and out the other, but negative feedback or lack of feedback sticks to my ribs. I replay the comments and think about things I could have done differently over and over in my head. Or I analyze situations where I didn't receive any feedback and assumed that what I did was so bad I left that person speechless. Arg. I am know I have a backbone somewhere in this body of mine, where did it go?
Recently I have gone searching for my MIA backbone. The same backbone that pushed me to uproot myself and move myself to Alaska, Iowa, and Minnesota. The same backbone that yelled, "Suck it up, you can do this" when I wanted to quit time after time. The backbone that holds me up straight and points in the right direction time after time. I know it is in me, but I have been having issues finding it again.
Then I was asked the question - what would it take for you to feel confident? More education? More experience? More makeup? Better shoes? Name it. What do you need? My answer - I honestly didn't know what I needed. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that my backbone never left me, but instead I had started to doubt it. I questioned its actions and decisions which caused me to lose confidence.
So recently I started to listen to it again and suddenly I felt myself start to straighten up and feel strong again. I realized the only thing keeping me from feeling confident was me and I needed to change that. So I tried to relish in the positive feedback and build off the negative instead of the other way around. I tried to forget the doubters and thrive off of those who believed in me. I needed to remember that just because someone said no before doesn't mean everyone will say no. But most of all, I needed to believe in me again.
Before I use to love the world "hope." It was a big part of my work life and loved the idea of never losing hope. But during a recent trip to Dubuque, I saw these cute little necklaces with single words on them. So I went on the hunt for hope, and I came up with believe. I thought, "Well that is cute. Sure why not." It wasn't until I looked at my myself in the mirror that I knew I needed to move from hoping to believing. To believe in myself and all that I know I am capable of. I can't continue to hope that I will great, I needed to believe it. To move from passive to aggressive. To truly believe.
So as I put the little maroon shoes back into my closet, I left them with a promise to wear them more. To trust myself, to take more risks, and to believe in my backbone again. After all it got me this far and I am still upright.
